There is something very lonely about night time. It's very difficult for me to sleep so I am left alone with the black sky and my dark thoughts.
The night time brings both a sense of peace and pain. The stillness and quiet is a welcome feeling, like a soft fog rolling off the hills to settle the valley below. My body can slow down, recover from the day, but this is when my mind awakens and my thoughts churn.
Today was an interesting day. It was the first time anyone has actually noticed that I physically show signs of being sick. I have lost 6 pounds over the past week, and for someone that is normally 5'4" and 125 lbs, that is a significant amount of weight loss.
People noticed that I have lost weight, that something didn't look just right. For some reason it almost made my eyes well with tears that someone actually noticed...
It makes me so uncomfortable and uneasy to be vulnerable when I am face to face with someone, even just in that tiny minuscule way. My emotions have always been something I try to shove down inside of me, deep into the caverns of my mind and soul. I don't even want to face my own vulnerability and sense of loss and longing.
Living on the cusp of reality
Floating through aimlessly, mindlessly
Like a jellyfish through the ocean,
Driven by no emotion,
Life has lost its direction
I have lost all self-definition.
It is impossible to know how I feel
Like a car missing a wheel,
Like a plane missing a wing,
I no longer hear birds sing.
The clouds are always looming
People fly past, ignorantly zooming.
But nobody stops to think
This is a girl on the brink.
Life has become a maze of faith and doubt
I know it’s there, but I cannot see the way out.
Walking, breathing, being…like a ghost
Pain, hurt, broken dreams…shattered hopes.
I float along trying to appear strong
On the inside I’m slowly breaking….
Just trying to hold on….
Will be thinking of you Monday, so sorry to hear of your complications. Night time was always a dark and lonely time for me too. Thankfully my LLMD gave me something to help me sleep. I always swore I'd never taking sleep aids, but they have been a Godsend. A good night sleep night after night has definitely helped me maintain the little bit of strength that I have.
ReplyDeleteMy sudden weight loss was the #1 symptom that finally got me a Lyme diagnosis. I was terrified that I had something worse. I'm also 5'4" and got down to 100 pounds last summer. It was terrifying to say the least. People definitely noticed and I started to look truly sick. I'm normally 125lbs also so losing 25lbs in just a few weeks was devastating. I have been able to regain about 15 lbs. but struggle every week to eat enough to keep the weight on. I've resorted to protein shakes to try and add calories. I have zero appetite but force myself to eat healthful meals because I know how important it is to maintain a healthy diet while battling Lyme.
You might ask your LLMD about something to help you sleep. I am on Trazadone, just 50mg. It helps me fall asleep, stay asleep, and actually takes the edge off the whole next day. It's an anti-depressant rather than a sleeping pill, but does double-duty.
I'll be looking for your update next week.
My LLMD has me on Seroquel, which is an anti anxiety/sleep medication...The dose is supposed to be 25mg in the evening, and I am now up to 75mg and it is still hit or miss if I can sleep through it. I am also on Lexapro for sleep/depression, but so far haven't felt any effects yet.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comment :-)
I will post tomorrow when I get home from the hospital or on Tuesday.
xoxo
I thought that poem was expressed perfectly. Thanks for sharing.
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