Memory Loss

When most people think of Lyme disease they think of swollen and painful joints.  Unfortunately for many of us Lyme sufferers, this barely scratches the surface of the canyon of debilitating symptoms we experience. 

For those of you that know me, you know that I am an extremely driven and motivated person.  I thrive off of learning new things, trying new experiences, and satisfying my continuous craving to explore the world of science around us. 

I know that I had some issues with my memory in college, most notably in my job as a manager at the Swine Center, however I ignored the issue and did my best to cope and laugh off my lapses in memory, even though they were disturbing to me. 

Little did I know, what once were small insignificant forgetful blips on the radar, would become massive hurricanes of forgetfullness. 

What us "Lymies" label neurological symptoms as is "head fog".  Head fog is a difficult feeling to describe, and its one I was hoping never to experience...so much for hoping. 

Head fog is a feeling of fuzziness in your brain, like you have lost cognitive function and the ability to process incoming stimuli and information correctly.  I describe it like the feeling you have when you drink way too much at night and wake up at three in the morning to use the restroom....You are not quite drunk anymore, but you are not hungover yet either.  It is that awful in-between dysfunctional feeling caught between just mentally fucked up and physically ill. 

Let me tell you, it is hell.  Head fog affects your short term memory, speech, and ability to perform simple daily tasks.  I find myself pulling six water glasses out of the kitchen cabinets within a two hour period because I simply can't remember ever pouring the first glass, let alone the sixth.  I also find myself struggling with conversations.  My once articulate speech and expansive vocabulary has been widdled down to grasping for words in the middle of my sentences.  Writing is therapeutic because I have the time to sit here and think about what I am trying to say, which is not the case in conversational speaking. 

Head fog also causes you to do very odd things.  I can't even count anymore how many times I get lost in my own neighborhood, turning onto the wrong street and not realizing it until I all of a sudden notice that I do not recognize the houses on the block.  I have also gotten out of my truck leaving it turned on, or even still in drive.  Thank God I noticed both of those slip ups before something bad happened like a stolen truck, or an accident. 

Just the other day I had a bit of leftover tea in a mug, and I picked the mug up to go and pour the cold beverage down the kitchen sink and for some reason I poured it right onto the living room carpet.  For a brief moment I actually thought I was standing over the kitchen sink.  What the fuck, right?  But for those of us living with this terrible Lyme symptom, incidents such as these are a daily occurence. 

Today a storm is blowing into Savannah.  It is overcast and gloomy.  I used to dread cold and wintry days.  They limited everything I used to love doing.  It is sad, but now I look forward to stormy sad weather.  When it is nasty outside, at least I don't feel like I am missing out on everything I once loved and enjoyed. 

The clouds roll in, the wind howls through the trees outside and it sounds like a wolf crying towards the moon.  The gray weather matches how I feel inside today...Cloudy and weighed down.