The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same

I cannot believe I have not posted anything since June.  I wish I could say that has because things have improved, but like the title of this post states, things have changed, but not turned around.

The last few months have been some of the worst of my life.  I guess I will just start writing...Finding a logical way to discuss things seems impossible.

My fiancee, whom I was in a relationship with for over 4 years, and I have split.

Relationships are often times a casualty of the war we fight; an innocent bystander in a drive by shooting.  Relationships are the first thing we need to lean on when things begin to crumble, yet somehow, they are often the first to fall apart.

I barely have had the energy to get up each morning, breathe in and out, slap a smile on, and put one foot in front of the other.  Unfortunately, at the end of each long and exhausting day, there is just no money left in the meter, no gas left in the tank, no smiles or laughs left for just one more person....Lyme is like a leech, and the relationship is its victim...slowly sucking the life away and leaving an empty shell, standing alone like an abandoned and broken home.

  It takes an amazing person to stand by someone suffering from chronic diseases.  They have to be utterly selfless, completely supportive, and unwavering in their love and devotion to the other person. 

I know that one day I will find that type of strength in a partner, whether I am sick or not, I will find it.  I know jealousy is not something you are supposed to admit to feeling, but I envy my other friends with Lyme who have found that person in their life...that anchor, pillar, root, that unfaltering immutable support.

 To those of you who have it, do not let go and never take that person for granted.  For the rest of us, we just have to know that settling is not an option, and we are deserving, no matter what kind of hell and high seas we have sailed through in the past, to find that type of love.

I have moved into a new house across town from where I used to live.  I was looking forward to this change, I thought that maybe this was going to be the turning point in this whirlpool of terror I have been swirling around in for the past 18 months. 

Things have not gone as planned.  To make a long story short, since my move I have lost a loving pet, become unimaginably overwhelmed with the stress of taking care of everything on my own, have decided it best to re-home one of my dogs, and to top it all off, my health has completely crashed. 

And through it all, I am alone. 

I know I have support.  My friends have been incredible, but unfortunately there is no amount of offering to help, no number of phone calls, to make up for the gut-wrenching feeling of utter isolation and desperation.

I try to reach out, and in many ways, I have.  There seems to be no amount of consolation or pats on the back or "it's going to be ok" to make the painful reality of losing yourself any less real.

I recently had someone say to me, "You have lost a lot in the last year. it's an odd thing, what you have lost. For most people, grief is about identifying an intangible concept, and understanding what impact that loss has on your life....but for you, it's almost like you have lost your life.  How does one come to terms with that?"

This is at best how to describe how I feel...And part of me feels so horrible saying this, because I know that there are always people who are more sick, more sad, more fucked up, more WHATEVER, but honestly, it doesn't make the reality of your life any less different to YOU.

Here is what my reality feels like:  I had a tough childhood, and had an amazing friend and mentor turn me around.  I became incredibly dedicated, driven, motivated, and for the five years I was in college, can truly say not only was I happy and having fun, but I was content....satisfied.  I had found myself, something I had searched for and struggled with. 

I had a sense of self-worth and I valued myself and what I offered the industry I was so passionate about.  There was no doubt in my mind about my past, current, and future successes and milestones, and I loved every waking moment of it all. 

These diseases have taken all of that away from me...My ability to feel like ME is gone.  I feel like an empty shotgun shell; there is a bit of a hard exterior, but everything that packed a punch, is gone. 

When you lose something or someone you love, the grieving and mourning process often entails identifying what exactly you have lost, and how to re-structure your life and mind around the loss....Well what do you do, when the thing in life you have lost, is your life itself?

A quick health update:  The last couple of months have been tough to say the least.  Along with the emotional stress that comes along with moving and a breakup, physically my body has been deteriorating, and the past 10 days I have been unable to eat or drink.  I've been in the ER twice, and urgent care twice, and the doctors are acknowledging my diagnoses, but have no idea what to do with me.  It go to the point that the ER doctor told me that I would be best leaving Savannah and going to California to see doctors that understand my dieseases...

Well I am in California, and I still haven't determined if I am better off than I was before.  I have managed to eat a little bit of food and hold down a very small amount of fluid, but am still feeling like total shit.  I think I am going to head to the ER here in San Francisco and see if I receive any better treatment...if nothing else, I could use a bag of IV fluids before my blood chemistry gets completely messed up.

I am going to see my Lyme doctor tomorrow.  I am starting to lose faith in everything...faith in my doctors, faight in the medical system, but mostly faith in myself that I can beat this and come back out the other side ready to pick up my life where it left off, and resume the things that mean the most to me.